The 2016 Patsy Ratings: No. 4 – Lafayette

"Come over here," one Committee member said.

She ran to the door, and saw a basket with two spotted creatures.  She couldn't help but stifle an "Aw!" as, for a moment, her heart, hardened by hours or work on the Patsy ratings, melted.

"Oh great," another Committee member said.  "More strays.  Should we print out more flyers to see who might adopt them?"

"More worryingly," another Member said, "is this an attempt to try to impugn the sanctity of the Patsy Ratings?  Could this be an attempt to bribe the Committee by offering them some cute Leopard cubs?"

The Committee  member looked back at the Member quizzically.  "Since when did the Patsy Ratings have sanctitiy?" they asked seriously.

"Look, they're playing!" she said.

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The 2016 Patsy Ratings: No. 3 – Bucknell

"Pass me some more Buffalo wings," one Committee member said to another.

"You're going to get wing sauce all over these folders," another said.  "Buffalo wings and Patsy point calculation don't exactly go together."

"Don't judge me," the member said, a bit more sourly this time.  "I just work differently than you.  I need protein when I compute the Patsies.  Just because you're a Vegan don't tell me how to do things."

"I'm not judging," the Vegan member said, munching on her kale chips.  "I'm simply saying not everyone likes to smell Buffalo wing sauce permeating the folders.  That's something I think we all can agree on.

"Mmmph," was all the other red-eyed Committee member could muster, his mouth full of Buffalo wings, blue cheese sauce, and celery.

The Vegan looked quzzically, until she saw a third member holding up a half-empty bottle of "Third Street Chicken and Ribs - Nuclear Sauce" behind him.

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The 2016 Patsy Ratings: No. 2 – Colgate

The office seemed a lot lighter than it once was.  A committee member looked around, and saw the regular piles of computer printouts, spilled fax ink, and opened folders.  Only a radio blaring Extreme's "More than Words" could be heard.

"Where are they," he wondered?  "This had better not be another audit."

Looking outside, he saw the Committee members outside.  There was a new food truck there.  Curious, he went out to see.

"I'll have a three-pack of fish tacos with crema," he asked the food truck operator.

He enjoyed the tacos and stopped in the men's room to check his teeth.  Green things in there.  Good thing he remembered to bring his toothbrush.

"That reminds me," he thought.

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The 2016 Patsy Ratings: No. 5 – Holy Cross

The weather outside the Committee headquarters was strange.  First, it was warm.  Then, suddenly, it froze.  Then, snow.  Then, torrential rain.

"You don't suppose...." one Committee member said.

"What?" an irritated, hungry man said.

"That... perhaps the Gods don't want us to make these Patsy Ratings anymore," she said.  "Perhaps this is a sign of the end times - an end times that might be averted if we simply decided to not do these Patsy Ratings anymore, let some other people do it."

"Come on," hungry man said.  "How can that be?  These ratings are for entertainment purposes only, after all.  They're a sort-of public service to the Patriot League fan community to attempt to figure out who the heck these schools actually got.  How can they be linked with The Big Guys above?"

Somewhere, loud lightning cracked overhead.

"Care to rephrase that?" she said.

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The 2016 Patsy Ratings: No. 6 – Georgetown

"What are you doing?" a Committee member said.

Another Committee member was crying in front of the TV.

"Take out that tape and get yourself together," she said, directing the member to eject the final Syracuse/Georgetown Big East semifinal game played in 2014.

"I'm sorry," he said, "Requiem for the Big East does it to me every time.  Dave Gavitt.  John Thompson."

"You know you have a job to do, right?", the irritated Committee member reminded him.  "There's that, oh, I don't know, matter of the current state of Georgetown's Patsy Point recruiting class?  A real, live team in a real, live conference?  That exists in the present?"

The Committee member blew his nose.  "Oh, that's already done.  Check the file next to the fax machine.  It's ready.

He pops the tape into the machine again, and presses play.  The tears well up once again.

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The 2016 Patsy Ratings: No. 7 – Fordham

"We missed the news cycle again," a committee member said again.

"Huh?" another said, awakening from a long afternoon nap.

"We missed the recruiting news cycle," the member repeated, a but more irritated this time.  "There's a very small window where people care about football recruiting - the 72 hours after National Letter of Intent Day.  After that, you might as well be writing about the 2002 midterm elections."

"Is that really true?" sleepy guy said.  "Patriot League people tend to have a bit longer attention span than that.  They appreciate - or at least get vocal about - the ratings whenever they come out.  After all, in the old days, there sometimes was months between classes."

"But that's not true anymore," irritated guys said.  "Now, the Patriot League are all announcing their classes on NLI day.  They're a part of the crazy skydiving-recruit announcing, hat-switching player circus that is national signing day."

"Well," sleepy guy said, "they're done now.  For us, this is some sort of record, having them all done this early.  It took a lot of sleepless nights, but they're done now."

"Let's get this done before we miss any more news cycles," irritated guy responded.
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The 2016 Patsy Ratings: No. 7 – Fordham

"We missed the news cycle again," a committee member said again.

"Huh?" another said, awakening from a long afternoon nap.

"We missed the recruiting news cycle," the member repeated, a but more irritated this time.  "There's a very small window where people care about football recruiting - the 72 hours after National Letter of Intent Day.  After that, you might as well be writing about the 2002 midterm elections."

"Is that really true?" sleepy guy said.  "Patriot League people tend to have a bit longer attention span than that.  They appreciate - or at least get vocal about - the ratings whenever they come out.  After all, in the old days, there sometimes was months between classes."

"But that's not true anymore," irritated guys said.  "Now, the Patriot League are all announcing their classes on NLI day.  They're a part of the crazy skydiving-recruit announcing, hat-switching player circus that is national signing day."

"Well," sleepy guy said, "they're done now.  For us, this is some sort of record, having them all done this early.  It took a lot of sleepless nights, but they're done now."

"Let's get this done before we miss any more news cycles," irritated guy responded.
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